So It’s About To Go Down.

So it has been forever and a day since I have written on here. I know, I know, my consistency is not great. I’ve been going through a lot of interpersonal stuff and frankly have just been so Zamn Busy, “like whet??!!” and I just feel like I’ve been going through a lot and have been burning the candle at both ends and it’s not fun. I’ve been neglecting myself and in some ways I feel like  have been derailed from what makes me happy (i.e. blogging, poetry, photography, and creative work). So with the change of seasons I am wanting to engage in a change in myself.

So for me and my own journey, that starts with a change in my environment (a new job), shameless pursuit of my passions, and relentless self love. I’ve always been the kind of person to let other people, places, and things take a front seat in my life and that shit needs to change lol. This idea of walking around being overworked and feeling under-cared for, is complete capitalistic shit and absolutely unsustainable. so it’s about to go down. I’m gonna change my life and I would encourage anyone who feels this way to begin taking the necessary steps to make change in their lives as well. So as loosely stated from the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, “It’s never to late to be the person you’ve always wanted to be. I hope you live a life that you are proud of and if you have to start all over again, I hope you have to courage to do so.”

 

Best,

 

A.A. Eke

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In Winter

How many days does it take to heal?

I don’t know.

Maybe 100 days 100 nights? Or

Maybe I need 40 days in the dessert?

I honestly don’t know.

So you don’t know when you’ll be ready?

I don’t know.

I’m in winter now.

Maybe when spring comes.

Maybe seeing the flowers and trees open up

Will give me the courage to bloom.

-A.A. Eke

It’s Been a Long Time…

Well this title is a bit dramatic lol. I actually had the intro to the old Aaliyah song “Try Again”stuck in my head when I was typing that (trust me it sounded better with the beat and the backdrop lol) But it’s has been a while, and I just wanted to pop in and say hello I am still here, still milling over new posts, new directions and new ideas. I love this outlet and in these crazy social, political, emotional, etc. times I think it’s more important than ever to maintain a sense of authenticity in all that I. Speaking my truth is important and is essential in anything that I pour myself into. And trust I pour myself into this blog.

That all being said, I do have more than just a theoretical excuse as to why I have been gone, I started a new job, dug myself out of a little mini depression and am starting to take the slow but necessary steps to reclaiming ownership over my life. But that brings me to an interesting thought about being lost, or at least feeling lost. This past year has been such a struggle and I don’t anyone who actually knows me would have known that. I’ve never been so financially and emotionally insecure and vulnerable in my life. Having graduated from graduate school and struggling to find work, fighting feelings of not even wanting to go to work, to dreading work, to missing home, to losing my job, to not knowing how I was going to pay rent, to feeling like everyone is moving forward except me, to fighting feelings of loneliness, to not knowing what I wanted in life, to accepting my struggle, learning to rewrite my life on my own terms, to fucking the idea of perfection, to excessive day drinking, to drawing out my dreams and committing to myself. Yeah, it has been one hell of a year and it’s not even over yet…

But to get back to this idea of being lost, I’m learning to accept ambiguity of my desires and my own internal compass. The burden of the world doesn’t have to lay on my shoulders, all I can do is give things my best and that’s it. A huge part that played in my feelings of lostness was because I was focusing all my attention outwardly on what others were doing, or what gaps in the world that I needed to fill, or in what ways can I shift my desires/actions to fit into this idea of me that I thought other people had. I was trying to mold myself into another’s image, instead of creating myself and morphing my life into an image that I crafted for myself. It took a lot of failure, rejection and generally just being really unhappy for me to learn that lesson. But I’m glad I did. Better late than never right?

All I have to say is, in life nothing is ever what it seems and it’s never too late to start all over again. This has been the year of redrawing the starting line, rerouting the track, saying fuck it to the finish line, and becoming one with my futon. I hope you understand.

-A.A. Eke

P.S.- Because I’m a sap for these things and this video perfectly sums up what my inner mantra has been 🙂