Well this title is a bit dramatic lol. I actually had the intro to the old Aaliyah song “Try Again”stuck in my head when I was typing that (trust me it sounded better with the beat and the backdrop lol) But it’s has been a while, and I just wanted to pop in and say hello I am still here, still milling over new posts, new directions and new ideas. I love this outlet and in these crazy social, political, emotional, etc. times I think it’s more important than ever to maintain a sense of authenticity in all that I. Speaking my truth is important and is essential in anything that I pour myself into. And trust I pour myself into this blog.
That all being said, I do have more than just a theoretical excuse as to why I have been gone, I started a new job, dug myself out of a little mini depression and am starting to take the slow but necessary steps to reclaiming ownership over my life. But that brings me to an interesting thought about being lost, or at least feeling lost. This past year has been such a struggle and I don’t anyone who actually knows me would have known that. I’ve never been so financially and emotionally insecure and vulnerable in my life. Having graduated from graduate school and struggling to find work, fighting feelings of not even wanting to go to work, to dreading work, to missing home, to losing my job, to not knowing how I was going to pay rent, to feeling like everyone is moving forward except me, to fighting feelings of loneliness, to not knowing what I wanted in life, to accepting my struggle, learning to rewrite my life on my own terms, to fucking the idea of perfection, to excessive day drinking, to drawing out my dreams and committing to myself. Yeah, it has been one hell of a year and it’s not even over yet…
But to get back to this idea of being lost, I’m learning to accept ambiguity of my desires and my own internal compass. The burden of the world doesn’t have to lay on my shoulders, all I can do is give things my best and that’s it. A huge part that played in my feelings of lostness was because I was focusing all my attention outwardly on what others were doing, or what gaps in the world that I needed to fill, or in what ways can I shift my desires/actions to fit into this idea of me that I thought other people had. I was trying to mold myself into another’s image, instead of creating myself and morphing my life into an image that I crafted for myself. It took a lot of failure, rejection and generally just being really unhappy for me to learn that lesson. But I’m glad I did. Better late than never right?
All I have to say is, in life nothing is ever what it seems and it’s never too late to start all over again. This has been the year of redrawing the starting line, rerouting the track, saying fuck it to the finish line, and becoming one with my futon. I hope you understand.
P.S.- Because I’m a sap for these things and this video perfectly sums up what my inner mantra has been 🙂